A lady mentioned this phrase to Adam and I this week during a conversation we were having, and I didn't think anything of it at first except that in the context it was said was really funny (the lady was claiming basically if you weren't a Baptist then you would fall - aka our nondenominational church was wrong). Anyway, that's not what I want to discuss here...I've been thinking a lot about that phrase today. Maybe not the phrase itself, but the cascade of thoughts and emotions I've had since the first thought.
Lately it has been extremely hard for me to find any motivation to do anything, except surviving. I would love to blame this realization on the babies, and granted my life is busy because of the boys, but the more I think about it, the more I come to understand it's been hard for me to become motivated my whole life. I would LOVE to lay down at night and be satisfied with what I accomplished that day*. I feel like I have lost a lot of my passion, my drive, my desire for things I used to be excited about...I think these things have just been replaced by a new passion, a different passion, for my family and my sons, but it has felt really strange lately. I am completely, madly, totally in love with my sons and "working" as a mom, but it's like every relationship - no matter how much you love someone, you'll have a fight eventually. Momhood and I are fighting right now.
I believe that when you become a parent your life changes in many many ways, all of which are for the better...the changes may be difficult to swallow at first, but they are better. However, I think it's time I stand up. I want to stand up for myself in ways I haven't allowed myself to in a long time. I blame the boys for being tired and not accomplishing more around the house and in my personal life. For two months now, I was supposed to start exercising and get a haircut. OK, exercising would be more difficult, but how hard is it to take a couple hours out of one day and get a haircut? I blame them for not reading the Bible like I should or forgetting to send out support letters one day...the important stuff. The dishes can wait. I do feel like housework is important (after all, it is part of the job description...kidding. But really.) but it's more understandable to let that sort of thing slide when you have babies. It is not ok to blame my kids when my desire to walk closer with the Lord gets put on a back burner.
So, tonight, I'm standing up. I may not believe you have to stand for one denomination or else you'll fall, but I do believe you need to stand up for Jesus. And I've been sitting down far too long. Far, far too long. I think I'm going to become one of those people - I need to set some goals, and I need some accountability. I've seen more and more people posting their goals on their blogs, maybe I should do that? It definitely hurts more to fall in front of people than when you're by yourself.
*I realize how defeated I sound right now, I am not. I also realize that raising two boys is productive in itself. And I know I don't need to be obsessed with my "performance" from the day, I can still have a productive day without finishing a checklist of items.